


If Star Wars Was Set in Glasgow

by Figgy_Bonbon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26504068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Figgy_Bonbon/pseuds/Figgy_Bonbon
Summary: Basically a summary of what Star Wars would've been like if it had not been set in a galaxy far, far away but in Glasgow Scotland.
Relationships: None





	If Star Wars Was Set in Glasgow

IF STAR WARS WAS SET IN GLASGOW

• Obi-Wan Kenobi would be known as “Chief” of “Big Yin” by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would call him “Jobby Wanky Nobby”.

• R2-D2 would not go out on Friday or Saturday nights for fear or being pissed on or having chip papers stuffed inside his head casing. He’d refuse to go near groups of small children so he wouldn’t be set on fire or dumped in front of a speeding train.

• Chewbacca would be renamed Shug and be about five feet tall, from Sighthill, with the same amount of body hair, as well as tattoos and he’d wear a Rangers shirt. His weapons of choice would be a selection of stakeys and an empty Bucky bottle

• Darth Vader would be known by all as “Auld Helmet Heid” or “Dome Heided Bastard”. His breathing would often be interrupted by a chronic smokers cough.

• Despite being fluent in over six million forms of communication C-3PO would not be able to understand anything from the East End. He would also be frequently beaten up for being a “greetin’ face poof fae Milgavnie”.

• Princess Leia would be unable to escape from Darth Vader as it’s difficult to escape from anyone when you’re wearing seven inch heels and a tiny silver miniskirt that hikes up over your arse every second step. And you’ve been a heavy smoker since you were six. 

• The Millenium Falcon would have racing stripes, tinted windows, a rolled up copy of ZOO on the dashboard and a Daily Record “I heart Scotland” sticker on the back.

• The best way to destroy the Death Star would not be a desperate all out attack. You could either 1) Leave it unattended for half an hour in Easterhouse or 2) Fly it over Bridgeton and tell the locals it’s full of kafflicks. 

OBI WAN KENOBI

“I sense a great disturbance in the Force”  
“Fuck me whit was all that?”

HAN SOLO

“There’s no mystical energy field controlling my destiny.”  
“The Force? Dae youse think a cem doon with the rain?”

“Ancient weapons and hokey religions are no match for a good blaster at your side kid.”  
“Nae messing aboot with the God Squad and auld rubbish wee man, get yoursel’ a decent shooter.”

“Bring ‘em on I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around.”  
“Come right ahead then yeh nuggets, fight the fuckin’ lot of ye!”

ADMIRAL MOTTI

“Don’t try to frighten us with you sorcerers ways Lord Vader.”  
“Eh Vader you think you’re so hard, but we’re no feart of you!”

PRINCESS LEIA

“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”  
“Hur I didnae think they let short erses in the polis.”

DARTH VADER (trying to shoot down Luke)

“The Force is strong with this one.”  
“Stop shoogling you wee bastard.”

LUKE SKYWALKER

“You’re wrong. Soon I’ll be dead, and you with me.”  
“Oh ye bloody think so? I’ll make you feel the fucking Force pal.”


End file.
